on love....

aug.28,2000.it was around an hr past d midnight wen i was woken up by d sounds of smone moving abt hurriedly n my lil 5 yr old sis tugging at my arm..askin me to wake up.as a general rule m a deep sleeper n hence it tuk me a gud 5 mins before i cud gathr my senses n cme to terms wid d hustle n bustle goin arnd in my room.d first thing i saw was my mom lying on d othr end of my bed wich in iself was nt so unusual coz my sistr generally askd ma to sleep wid her most of d days.d thing wich scared me to hell was dat der ws blood all arnd her unconscious persn.it was a ghastly site to me den..merely 12 yrs of age..n still givs me shudders wen i think abt it.fr a child so young to c her ma lying unconscious..d pillow arnd her head bathd in deep crimson blood..her nose pluggd wid cotton wool is a haunting site.it still is fr me..n most of us wud go pale if it happend to one of their near n dear ones.
i sprang out..went ovr to my dad crying,askin wat had happnd..thinkin in my mind d very wrst fr it.my dad was wid my tauji[uncle]who was a doctor.they assurd me dat ma was ok.it was just dat her blood pressure had risen so much during d nyt dat her nasal blood vessels,givin in to d vry high bp had burst..a kind of a safety valve preventin a much more damaging cndition.she ws bettr nw.nuthin to wry abt.i cud hardly undrstnd a syllable of it.fr me my mumma was unconscious, bleedin profusely..mebbe she wud nevr get alryt again n it was all my fault.i went ovr to my ma..she was sleeping ..foolishly i felt to c if she ws breathin..of course she ws!!i tuchd her hand..her eyes flickrd open n she smild..i cried fr joy.she ws weak n cudnt say nethin.soon she fell asleep again.sitting next to her i began crying..my gulit,remorse,my sorrow all toppling bak to me..stiffling me!i cud c hw nasty i had been to her ovr d past few days..hw mean i had been to her..fyting wid her..refusin to listn to her..!hw i had always took her fr grantd..so sure dat she wud nevr leev me.der wer tyms wen i wud hug her n kiss her n tyms wen fr no reasn at all i wud refuse to talk to her straight..evn shout bak at her if she happnd to b cross wid me!dis ws d nearest i had been evr to losin smone so close.n it scared me to death.d nyt dis happnd..v had all been so happy..laffing crazily at sm lil idiocy of my sistr.a lil bit of introspection provd to me dat it ws me who ws responsible fr mumma's cndition n i cried copiously...as if it ws ne help at all!i remembr prayin fervently to God,askin him to make my ma get well soon..promising him dat i wud nevr b mean to her again,listen to evrythin she sez..be d best daughtr evr!well..ma gt bak to her nrmal self again aftr xcessive bouts of medicines n a small surgery in abt 2 weeks or so.all dis tym i had been an ideal elder daughtr.my promises to god lastd fr smtym aftr...bt gradually i revertd to my old self..n many tyms crossd my limits in my anger.
as tym passd by i grew up...became much bettr...knew how to cntol my sddn bursts of angr.m 20 nw n mumma has becum mre of a frnd to me...i love her..admire her..bt iv nevr really showd it to her..shyin away frm d kisses she mite sddnly want to bestow upon me..evn ansring her bak if she happns to scold me a lil mre than i cn take. its been just once mre wen her high bp causd her nose to bleed fer days on end..dat ws last yr.m mature nw..n i knw its nt so bad as i thot it was,8 yrs bak.as fr d promises...well i hadnt givn dem nuthr thot...dat is nt until last nyt.
last nyt,cmpelled by my near insomniac habbits..n findin nuthin worthwhile to do..i settled down wid a buk issued by my sistr frm her skul library. chicken soup for the soul..a part of d chicken soup series..a well known series, for the teens.well frankly,i ws ashamd having to read such kiddish stuff. i had long since passd d age of indulgin in dese.bt den readin is my passion n i cn read nethin..evn enid blytons at my age if m driven into dem.as a teenager i had nevr evr read ne of chicken soups..a prejudiced mind n a sort of tomboyish attitude always forbade me to indulge in "such" buks wich i thot mainly dealt wid problems faced by a so-calld teenage girl..boyfrnds n fashion n othr teen probs or sm preachy stuff.neway dis buk i read ws a cmplete cntrast to wat i thot it wud b.i had been wrong.d simple shrt stories..probably real incidents dat had happnd to their authors knockd me off my feet.readin d stories..i ws involuntarily drivn into self realization...i ws forced to introspect n luk inside my mind n heart..forced to admit hw small,hw blind i hav always been,all of us hav been.
all of us boast of love..of lovin smone..our parents,brothrs n sistrs,lovers,frnds,neighbours ,relatives...bt do v actually love dem??n if v do,den hav v evr sincerely tried to profess our love to dem..tried to show dem our love thru wrds or actions??fr my part i havnt.i remembr nt a single tym wen i sed "i love u" to my mom or my dad or my frnds or my sister..xcept wen v scribbld out dese wrds on d cards fer d spcl days.i remembr how i prayd dat nyt to god to giv me a last chance so dat i cud tel my mom hw much she meant to me..hw i lovd her..hw imprtant she ws to me.God did.bt i nevr told her.
most of us wud agree dat while in a 5 min chat wid our spcl frnds..our lovers v confess our love to dem a thousand tyms ovr,v dnt evn think of sayin d same to our parents or frnds or siblings or neone else once in 5 yrs!isnt it pure complacency?our taking it fr grantd dat dese ppl wud forevr b wid us. my shortsightedness,until last nyt, nevr allowd me to acknowldge hw unsure..like a bubble,our lives wer.i didnt think dat my conversations wid my loved ones mite be d last ones.situations..ppl ..cnditions mite nevr b d same evr again! i needed to tell dem hw much i lovd dem.hw dependent i had becum on dem fer d smallest of my needs..emotional or material.wat if i nevr get d chance again!many ppl DNT!.god is being kind enuf to me n m lettin go of it all!!i sat thinkin late into d nyt..my apparent,probably unknowing ignorance drivelling deep into my heart..makin me cry at my insensitivity..hw i had denied d warm gestures of so many ppl ovr d yrs.i made a conscious decision to tell my parents n sistr hw much i lovd dem.d mere thot of it liftd a huge load frm my heart.dis morning wen i sed "i love u papa..muma....tobs.i need u all n cnt do widout u"..i cud c tears in their eyes n ws surprisd to c dat i ws cryin too!it ws so wndrful!!d damp rainy morning sddnly became so warm...!!
my love fr my loved ones is certainly much biggr than my ego or shud i say my insensitivity!it shud b so fer evryone.things may seem destined now..bt aftr sm tym destiny mite nt b d same!!n den it wud tear us apart to knw hw hard n foolish v had been!so evry tym i fyt again wid my loved ones..i wud always remind myself dat dis mite turn out to b my last interaction wid him n thus must nt b wasted in bittr wrds..evry sour action or evry disappointing deed by smone i love wud b endured as lovingly as i cud.i wud remembr to nevr let go of evn d smallest chance of xpressing my love to evry one whom i cnt afford to lose..
evn though its mid july..bt fr me ders love in d air...my newfound love...love dat i had forevr stored within me..love dat i need to give out n xpress to ppl.. nt only to a spcl smone..bt also my parnts..my siblings..frnds ..relaties..neighbours...love fr d small poor little boy i c playin on d roadside..fr d lame man beggin..fr d tatter clothd woman on d road who has no means of feedin her little baby.n i need to do it nw.