When I die..

And when I am about to die, I want to know I lived. Lived on my terms, lived my way, lived to spread smiles, lived with compassion, lived with passion,  lived to love life.
When I am about to die, I want to know I loved. Loved beyond bounds, loved without inhibitions, loved with passion, in love with life, in love with life.
When I am about to die, I want to know I learned. Learned the truths on life, learned to be beautiful, learned things that matter, learned to be happy, learned to live, to love life and mortality.
When I am about to die, I want to know I can forget. Forget the misery, forget the pain, forget the times I felt cheated and move ahead., forget fear, forget death, forget my inhibitions to live like I can never die.

LIVE LOVE LEARN FORGET on this amazing journey. 

Life...As it is

Made up of millions and trillions of some random, small thoughts...small memories...infinite tiny breaths, pants and wheezes...small steps and big ones...this bizarre journey of "life" ends as suddenly as it begins. A thousand emotions and countless words and actions later, we are still, most of us, at any rate, unhappy with what we have in the end, dreaming of what could have been...what should have been...

Human mind is insatiable. It yearns for what it lacks, what the other has...the grass is always greener on the other side. Always eager to pass the buck onto someone else, hold someone else responsible for our ruined state, we always have a dozen people to put the blame onto.

So I did not excel in class and I tell myself its my dysfunctional family, that I am unable to study. Its my friends who disparage me from studying, my roommates who divert my attention. If nothing else, its my fiend who cheated on me.  I could not pursue what I hope to. My dream to be a doctor shattered. Its not my fault\, mind you. Its not the lack of studies at all. Its my parents who dissuaded me from applying to god forsaken colleges far off. Its my parents who do not have enough money to fund my studies in precious expensive medical schools. Its my peers who did not let me study. I am married now, a housewife and not working. Its all because of my husband, who doesn't want me to work. Its my parents who married me off so early. I would have been a professor somewhere, earning like hell. Its my family who kept bringing me some match or the other to get me married off. I would have been working somewhere, earning and leading a peaceful life. My brothers are to blame. They kept me here, beguiled me with promises for a happy family that stays together, eats together, plays together. As numerous as our failure, in fact much more, excuses never end.

Our success, on the other hand, definitely, is our own. Our very hard earned treasure.  I am no different. Nor are you.Oh my riches? Ah, this wonderful discovery that I have made? Yeah so I am the president here! Oh yes! thats all MY hard work..oh yeah my very own..my precious. In a sense,we are all "Gollums" in our own way. The greed for The Ring is ingrained in us...incredibly strong...invincible. One Ring to rule them all. The ring is, of course, different in each case.  This blind lust for success, seeking happiness in riches, power, position, money, ignoring what we have, the little things at hand, has reduced us into pitiable mortals, no better than that wretched Gollum, no better than Isildur. ready to kill for riches, I am forever weak-willed, never ready for hardship, always seeking the easy way out.

Why am I not strong enough to take my decisions and stand by them? Why am I looking for someone to put a blame on everytime? Why should I always give in to greed? Why cant I embrace my failures as I do my success? Why am I not brave enough to start all over again everytime I am put down? Why do I not focus on making my life better than wait upon someone else to take my decisions for me? Why do I mope thinking how others ruined my life?

I know one thing, as I am standing on the thin line between life and  ummm after-life, I do not want to regret for the things I couldn't do. I do not want to blame someone else for decisions gone wrong.


Its a lovely play...LIFE...a lovely sport. Whats your favourite sport? Racing? Tennis? Cricket maybe? Better than life ...is it?More fast tracked?More adventurous? I dont think so! :D Why not begin thinking? Why not be firm, be positive, more optimistic? Start deciding for yourself...put off asking others for advice.
                                  Take the journey on your own. Play the sport for yourself!

A bit of everything

So rains definitely set you on a retrospection spree...Its raining again...Once again I have a cup in my hand, this time its tea though and once again I thank Nature for making my life so beautiful, replete with all the colors. God must surely be an artist..

Anyway Dear Blog,

I come to you again....Early in the morning, its grey and misty with the heavy rains..So much like my life now. Looking back to when I was a mere 7 year old, I remember the vibrant me. A rainbow for the greyness in life today. The never-sleeps, never-idle Shreya. I was always upto something, figuring out what life is, how things work. In a sense, I still am. I guess, it'll end with me.

I was a bit of everything. A bit of a painter, a bit of a writer, some bit musician and some dancer. I was a scholar, an athelete, a comedian, an actor,a cook, a director, a singer. Parts of everything, which expressed in me freely. I did it all...I yearned to learn it all.
When we are young we get to be so much....a doctor today, a pilot tomorrow, an architect today, perhaps a paanwallah the other day??   Its a riot then...not any longer.


What am I now? A scientist in making? Its all only about science now...and am I even acing that? I don't think so. I wake up; I think of my experiments...I lie down at night and its my thesis...The day goes in how to beat the crap out of cancer...Where is me? Is science the only thing that gives me solace? Did I ever want my life to be this way? I am not sure...



In fact isn't it with most of us? Haven't all of us, knowingly or unknowingly, been trapped in the race for the survival-of-the-fittest? How many of us go out of our way to paint..to sing..to cook..to play..to dance..to do that one thing which will just make us happy...has no physical prize attached to it..is solely food for our soul....very few, I reckon. Certainly not me.


Growing up for me has just been shedding it all off...one by one.....

The connection I had lost with myself reasserts itself...the lack of harmony I was feeling within myself vanishes with the very first word I type here. I suppose writing is afterall, a passion for me. Like music defines some and art others, writing, and writing whatever crap bounces off my mind, gives me a feeling of belonging to myself.

At 12:32 am, I am far from sleepy. The restlessness and irritability, with which I had settled down, under my blankets to call it a day, has suddenly disappeared. A calmly settling peace and flighty happiness is stealing over me as that gradually wafting aroma of coffee  you feel slipping down your nostrils and enveloping your entire system, ( yes..am pretty much of a coffee addict). After a hiatus of over two years, I am finally penning down anything I wish. I don't know why I had stopped, nor why I resumed.

I am free.

PEACE.

"And some day, someone would walk into your life and show you why it never worked out with anyone else"...True that!

“And if it all falls apart, I will know deep in my heart, the only dream that mattered had come true. In this life, I was loved by you.”

cmpletely random

"rehna tu hai jaisa tu...thoda sa dard tu..thoda sukun..
thoda sa resham tu humdum thoda sa khurdura...
tujhe badalna nai chahun ratti bhar b sanam...."

nuthin mch in dere...just my favortest lines frm a song...RANDOM

besides some usual problems..like my computer bunging in tym n again n me losing sm pretty importnt info due to formattin n re-formatting...n some stupid health problms and my memory loss creating problms galore..n a few xtremely mad moments wen our country faced disastrous attacks n our govt failing to do as required..wen i sersly cnsiderd taking up arms against dem all n d recession n d inflation etc etc..2008 has safely been one ov d most satisfactry years among my odd 21 yrs on earth!
besides taking sm really sensible life saving decisions wich had been pendin since a few yrs..i did things i had nevr expectd i wud evr indulge in,evn remotely!i found dat u dnt always hav to wander far n wide to find love...infact u dnt hav to find one at all..its jus dat u hav to sense it!n i did sense it pretty well...in d early part of d year too!!so d rest of d year ws all so good fr me..despite a few kinks here n dere..sm super fyts wen d xtremes seemd a viable option..some super moments wich i wud cherish forever...an awesome birthday..such as i had nt fr a momnt xpectd wud b n so on!contrary to wat evryone sez n thinks abt love...it has definitely stabilisd me..made me so mch mre bettr..responsible towrds my family n frnds ..sensitiv to othrs!yes..i finally realisd i cn love n love so freely..widout bounds!
academically too i had a blast of a year..tho m nt sure if i cn say so fr d coming year...or infact d coming week.while i toppd d univ examz in secnd yr...m sure d fifth semstrs will cnveniently dash me dwn to d grounds!well..i cn vry safely put it all onto my stupid illnesses n various othr problems :D!fiesta '08 had been rockin too..n v discovrd dat v certainly cn do awsmly well at cultural stuff too!had sm fantabulous moments while practicing fr choreo...v grabbd d 3rd place tho evryone sed v desrvd d top position!hw i miss those long hours of practice..d smallest detailing..recording songs..bangin our heads into d minutest of details..d most subtle actions..d tiniest part of d act..d props n costumes!each n every secnd has been etchd so deeply in my mind!so...fiesta '09 is being eagerly awaitd!
d 16 or 18 odd attacks on our country left me fuming at evryone..d criminals n d terrorists fr deir ghastly actions..d insensitiv politicians fr deir selfishnes n blindness..evn d innocent ppl fr deir shortsightedness...d pseudo secularists fr being so dumb n stupid n evn myself fr doin nuthin bt fuming!i felt so helpless...so tormentd wen i thot abt those thousnds of families who lost their an aspiring son/daughtr..a loving husband/wife..a doting fathr/mothr...deir sole bread winnr..d smallest child of d family who had gone out to buy sweets...a dutyful son who had gone to earn some monay to support his family...wen a newly married woman saw her husband being shot in d head..wen so many policemen n commandos lost deir lives at d whim of a handful of bas!@#$^ !!!its unfathomable...d grief...d sorrow..d life long misery wich dey hav been bessottd to!human life has become so cheap!
neway..moving on...i learnt a very importnt lesson in d latr part of d year...dat ws nt to trust neone blindly!evn frnds...ppl cn b selfish to d xtreme n totally deceptiv wen it cums to persnal gain!n dat in a way is pretty justified..i mean evryone here lives fr demselvs n if u trust smone stupidly...u deserve to b stabbd in d bak!n yeah i learnt a bit ov diplomacy too :D..m on frndly terms wid almost d whole wrld...tho in a mch mre sensible way!
so all in all its been a pretty mixed up year!d negativs drownd ovrwhelmingly by d positives...n since it no use grumbling at d year dat has gone..it's mre intellignt to remembr it lovingly..aint it ;)
*HAPPY NEW YEAR 2009*

on love....

aug.28,2000.it was around an hr past d midnight wen i was woken up by d sounds of smone moving abt hurriedly n my lil 5 yr old sis tugging at my arm..askin me to wake up.as a general rule m a deep sleeper n hence it tuk me a gud 5 mins before i cud gathr my senses n cme to terms wid d hustle n bustle goin arnd in my room.d first thing i saw was my mom lying on d othr end of my bed wich in iself was nt so unusual coz my sistr generally askd ma to sleep wid her most of d days.d thing wich scared me to hell was dat der ws blood all arnd her unconscious persn.it was a ghastly site to me den..merely 12 yrs of age..n still givs me shudders wen i think abt it.fr a child so young to c her ma lying unconscious..d pillow arnd her head bathd in deep crimson blood..her nose pluggd wid cotton wool is a haunting site.it still is fr me..n most of us wud go pale if it happend to one of their near n dear ones.
i sprang out..went ovr to my dad crying,askin wat had happnd..thinkin in my mind d very wrst fr it.my dad was wid my tauji[uncle]who was a doctor.they assurd me dat ma was ok.it was just dat her blood pressure had risen so much during d nyt dat her nasal blood vessels,givin in to d vry high bp had burst..a kind of a safety valve preventin a much more damaging cndition.she ws bettr nw.nuthin to wry abt.i cud hardly undrstnd a syllable of it.fr me my mumma was unconscious, bleedin profusely..mebbe she wud nevr get alryt again n it was all my fault.i went ovr to my ma..she was sleeping ..foolishly i felt to c if she ws breathin..of course she ws!!i tuchd her hand..her eyes flickrd open n she smild..i cried fr joy.she ws weak n cudnt say nethin.soon she fell asleep again.sitting next to her i began crying..my gulit,remorse,my sorrow all toppling bak to me..stiffling me!i cud c hw nasty i had been to her ovr d past few days..hw mean i had been to her..fyting wid her..refusin to listn to her..!hw i had always took her fr grantd..so sure dat she wud nevr leev me.der wer tyms wen i wud hug her n kiss her n tyms wen fr no reasn at all i wud refuse to talk to her straight..evn shout bak at her if she happnd to b cross wid me!dis ws d nearest i had been evr to losin smone so close.n it scared me to death.d nyt dis happnd..v had all been so happy..laffing crazily at sm lil idiocy of my sistr.a lil bit of introspection provd to me dat it ws me who ws responsible fr mumma's cndition n i cried copiously...as if it ws ne help at all!i remembr prayin fervently to God,askin him to make my ma get well soon..promising him dat i wud nevr b mean to her again,listen to evrythin she sez..be d best daughtr evr!well..ma gt bak to her nrmal self again aftr xcessive bouts of medicines n a small surgery in abt 2 weeks or so.all dis tym i had been an ideal elder daughtr.my promises to god lastd fr smtym aftr...bt gradually i revertd to my old self..n many tyms crossd my limits in my anger.
as tym passd by i grew up...became much bettr...knew how to cntol my sddn bursts of angr.m 20 nw n mumma has becum mre of a frnd to me...i love her..admire her..bt iv nevr really showd it to her..shyin away frm d kisses she mite sddnly want to bestow upon me..evn ansring her bak if she happns to scold me a lil mre than i cn take. its been just once mre wen her high bp causd her nose to bleed fer days on end..dat ws last yr.m mature nw..n i knw its nt so bad as i thot it was,8 yrs bak.as fr d promises...well i hadnt givn dem nuthr thot...dat is nt until last nyt.
last nyt,cmpelled by my near insomniac habbits..n findin nuthin worthwhile to do..i settled down wid a buk issued by my sistr frm her skul library. chicken soup for the soul..a part of d chicken soup series..a well known series, for the teens.well frankly,i ws ashamd having to read such kiddish stuff. i had long since passd d age of indulgin in dese.bt den readin is my passion n i cn read nethin..evn enid blytons at my age if m driven into dem.as a teenager i had nevr evr read ne of chicken soups..a prejudiced mind n a sort of tomboyish attitude always forbade me to indulge in "such" buks wich i thot mainly dealt wid problems faced by a so-calld teenage girl..boyfrnds n fashion n othr teen probs or sm preachy stuff.neway dis buk i read ws a cmplete cntrast to wat i thot it wud b.i had been wrong.d simple shrt stories..probably real incidents dat had happnd to their authors knockd me off my feet.readin d stories..i ws involuntarily drivn into self realization...i ws forced to introspect n luk inside my mind n heart..forced to admit hw small,hw blind i hav always been,all of us hav been.
all of us boast of love..of lovin smone..our parents,brothrs n sistrs,lovers,frnds,neighbours ,relatives...bt do v actually love dem??n if v do,den hav v evr sincerely tried to profess our love to dem..tried to show dem our love thru wrds or actions??fr my part i havnt.i remembr nt a single tym wen i sed "i love u" to my mom or my dad or my frnds or my sister..xcept wen v scribbld out dese wrds on d cards fer d spcl days.i remembr how i prayd dat nyt to god to giv me a last chance so dat i cud tel my mom hw much she meant to me..hw i lovd her..hw imprtant she ws to me.God did.bt i nevr told her.
most of us wud agree dat while in a 5 min chat wid our spcl frnds..our lovers v confess our love to dem a thousand tyms ovr,v dnt evn think of sayin d same to our parents or frnds or siblings or neone else once in 5 yrs!isnt it pure complacency?our taking it fr grantd dat dese ppl wud forevr b wid us. my shortsightedness,until last nyt, nevr allowd me to acknowldge hw unsure..like a bubble,our lives wer.i didnt think dat my conversations wid my loved ones mite be d last ones.situations..ppl ..cnditions mite nevr b d same evr again! i needed to tell dem hw much i lovd dem.hw dependent i had becum on dem fer d smallest of my needs..emotional or material.wat if i nevr get d chance again!many ppl DNT!.god is being kind enuf to me n m lettin go of it all!!i sat thinkin late into d nyt..my apparent,probably unknowing ignorance drivelling deep into my heart..makin me cry at my insensitivity..hw i had denied d warm gestures of so many ppl ovr d yrs.i made a conscious decision to tell my parents n sistr hw much i lovd dem.d mere thot of it liftd a huge load frm my heart.dis morning wen i sed "i love u papa..muma....tobs.i need u all n cnt do widout u"..i cud c tears in their eyes n ws surprisd to c dat i ws cryin too!it ws so wndrful!!d damp rainy morning sddnly became so warm...!!
my love fr my loved ones is certainly much biggr than my ego or shud i say my insensitivity!it shud b so fer evryone.things may seem destined now..bt aftr sm tym destiny mite nt b d same!!n den it wud tear us apart to knw hw hard n foolish v had been!so evry tym i fyt again wid my loved ones..i wud always remind myself dat dis mite turn out to b my last interaction wid him n thus must nt b wasted in bittr wrds..evry sour action or evry disappointing deed by smone i love wud b endured as lovingly as i cud.i wud remembr to nevr let go of evn d smallest chance of xpressing my love to evry one whom i cnt afford to lose..
evn though its mid july..bt fr me ders love in d air...my newfound love...love dat i had forevr stored within me..love dat i need to give out n xpress to ppl.. nt only to a spcl smone..bt also my parnts..my siblings..frnds ..relaties..neighbours...love fr d small poor little boy i c playin on d roadside..fr d lame man beggin..fr d tatter clothd woman on d road who has no means of feedin her little baby.n i need to do it nw.

on a boring afternoon

Life has nevr been a bed of roses for me...it probably wont evr be.n no mattr how much i crib n cmplain abt it..things happn d way dey hav to.n well..evn tho i hate to admit it..things hav always eventually turnd out to b bettr for me in d long run!!! (tuch wud!!)
so feelin rathr at peace wid my life(tho m far frm bein at peace wid myself!!) wich in itself is quite a miracle...i sit down to blog..d post dis tym bein an xception frm my usual tirade!! :D
a positive approach..a not-so-negative attitude towards things nd people in general is wat u n me n all of us lack!!no..dis isnt nuthr of those "art of living" discourses on life...bt a lil bit of my realisation...my newly gaind conciousness.well,m nt too religious...agnostic mite describe me d best..bt i firmly believe dat if GOD does exist...then he exists in me..in u...in evrything n evryone!!fGod has been widme in evyrthin i've done..or has happnd to me so far!!seriously...i mean lukin bak in life...i dnt really think i hav ne major regrets...regardin my person..or my decisions..or wher iv landed..or wat i'v done!!!n it isnt cuz m too careful in doin nethin dat cums my way...infact m a shade too restless!!!(as my frnds keep talking about!!!*winks*) it really makes me wonder if der is actually sm supernatural power...guiding d earth!!