A bit of everything

So rains definitely set you on a retrospection spree...Its raining again...Once again I have a cup in my hand, this time its tea though and once again I thank Nature for making my life so beautiful, replete with all the colors. God must surely be an artist..

Anyway Dear Blog,

I come to you again....Early in the morning, its grey and misty with the heavy rains..So much like my life now. Looking back to when I was a mere 7 year old, I remember the vibrant me. A rainbow for the greyness in life today. The never-sleeps, never-idle Shreya. I was always upto something, figuring out what life is, how things work. In a sense, I still am. I guess, it'll end with me.

I was a bit of everything. A bit of a painter, a bit of a writer, some bit musician and some dancer. I was a scholar, an athelete, a comedian, an actor,a cook, a director, a singer. Parts of everything, which expressed in me freely. I did it all...I yearned to learn it all.
When we are young we get to be so much....a doctor today, a pilot tomorrow, an architect today, perhaps a paanwallah the other day??   Its a riot then...not any longer.


What am I now? A scientist in making? Its all only about science now...and am I even acing that? I don't think so. I wake up; I think of my experiments...I lie down at night and its my thesis...The day goes in how to beat the crap out of cancer...Where is me? Is science the only thing that gives me solace? Did I ever want my life to be this way? I am not sure...



In fact isn't it with most of us? Haven't all of us, knowingly or unknowingly, been trapped in the race for the survival-of-the-fittest? How many of us go out of our way to paint..to sing..to cook..to play..to dance..to do that one thing which will just make us happy...has no physical prize attached to it..is solely food for our soul....very few, I reckon. Certainly not me.


Growing up for me has just been shedding it all off...one by one.....

The connection I had lost with myself reasserts itself...the lack of harmony I was feeling within myself vanishes with the very first word I type here. I suppose writing is afterall, a passion for me. Like music defines some and art others, writing, and writing whatever crap bounces off my mind, gives me a feeling of belonging to myself.

At 12:32 am, I am far from sleepy. The restlessness and irritability, with which I had settled down, under my blankets to call it a day, has suddenly disappeared. A calmly settling peace and flighty happiness is stealing over me as that gradually wafting aroma of coffee  you feel slipping down your nostrils and enveloping your entire system, ( yes..am pretty much of a coffee addict). After a hiatus of over two years, I am finally penning down anything I wish. I don't know why I had stopped, nor why I resumed.

I am free.

PEACE.

"And some day, someone would walk into your life and show you why it never worked out with anyone else"...True that!

“And if it all falls apart, I will know deep in my heart, the only dream that mattered had come true. In this life, I was loved by you.”

cmpletely random

"rehna tu hai jaisa tu...thoda sa dard tu..thoda sukun..
thoda sa resham tu humdum thoda sa khurdura...
tujhe badalna nai chahun ratti bhar b sanam...."

nuthin mch in dere...just my favortest lines frm a song...RANDOM

besides some usual problems..like my computer bunging in tym n again n me losing sm pretty importnt info due to formattin n re-formatting...n some stupid health problms and my memory loss creating problms galore..n a few xtremely mad moments wen our country faced disastrous attacks n our govt failing to do as required..wen i sersly cnsiderd taking up arms against dem all n d recession n d inflation etc etc..2008 has safely been one ov d most satisfactry years among my odd 21 yrs on earth!
besides taking sm really sensible life saving decisions wich had been pendin since a few yrs..i did things i had nevr expectd i wud evr indulge in,evn remotely!i found dat u dnt always hav to wander far n wide to find love...infact u dnt hav to find one at all..its jus dat u hav to sense it!n i did sense it pretty well...in d early part of d year too!!so d rest of d year ws all so good fr me..despite a few kinks here n dere..sm super fyts wen d xtremes seemd a viable option..some super moments wich i wud cherish forever...an awesome birthday..such as i had nt fr a momnt xpectd wud b n so on!contrary to wat evryone sez n thinks abt love...it has definitely stabilisd me..made me so mch mre bettr..responsible towrds my family n frnds ..sensitiv to othrs!yes..i finally realisd i cn love n love so freely..widout bounds!
academically too i had a blast of a year..tho m nt sure if i cn say so fr d coming year...or infact d coming week.while i toppd d univ examz in secnd yr...m sure d fifth semstrs will cnveniently dash me dwn to d grounds!well..i cn vry safely put it all onto my stupid illnesses n various othr problems :D!fiesta '08 had been rockin too..n v discovrd dat v certainly cn do awsmly well at cultural stuff too!had sm fantabulous moments while practicing fr choreo...v grabbd d 3rd place tho evryone sed v desrvd d top position!hw i miss those long hours of practice..d smallest detailing..recording songs..bangin our heads into d minutest of details..d most subtle actions..d tiniest part of d act..d props n costumes!each n every secnd has been etchd so deeply in my mind!so...fiesta '09 is being eagerly awaitd!
d 16 or 18 odd attacks on our country left me fuming at evryone..d criminals n d terrorists fr deir ghastly actions..d insensitiv politicians fr deir selfishnes n blindness..evn d innocent ppl fr deir shortsightedness...d pseudo secularists fr being so dumb n stupid n evn myself fr doin nuthin bt fuming!i felt so helpless...so tormentd wen i thot abt those thousnds of families who lost their an aspiring son/daughtr..a loving husband/wife..a doting fathr/mothr...deir sole bread winnr..d smallest child of d family who had gone out to buy sweets...a dutyful son who had gone to earn some monay to support his family...wen a newly married woman saw her husband being shot in d head..wen so many policemen n commandos lost deir lives at d whim of a handful of bas!@#$^ !!!its unfathomable...d grief...d sorrow..d life long misery wich dey hav been bessottd to!human life has become so cheap!
neway..moving on...i learnt a very importnt lesson in d latr part of d year...dat ws nt to trust neone blindly!evn frnds...ppl cn b selfish to d xtreme n totally deceptiv wen it cums to persnal gain!n dat in a way is pretty justified..i mean evryone here lives fr demselvs n if u trust smone stupidly...u deserve to b stabbd in d bak!n yeah i learnt a bit ov diplomacy too :D..m on frndly terms wid almost d whole wrld...tho in a mch mre sensible way!
so all in all its been a pretty mixed up year!d negativs drownd ovrwhelmingly by d positives...n since it no use grumbling at d year dat has gone..it's mre intellignt to remembr it lovingly..aint it ;)
*HAPPY NEW YEAR 2009*

on love....

aug.28,2000.it was around an hr past d midnight wen i was woken up by d sounds of smone moving abt hurriedly n my lil 5 yr old sis tugging at my arm..askin me to wake up.as a general rule m a deep sleeper n hence it tuk me a gud 5 mins before i cud gathr my senses n cme to terms wid d hustle n bustle goin arnd in my room.d first thing i saw was my mom lying on d othr end of my bed wich in iself was nt so unusual coz my sistr generally askd ma to sleep wid her most of d days.d thing wich scared me to hell was dat der ws blood all arnd her unconscious persn.it was a ghastly site to me den..merely 12 yrs of age..n still givs me shudders wen i think abt it.fr a child so young to c her ma lying unconscious..d pillow arnd her head bathd in deep crimson blood..her nose pluggd wid cotton wool is a haunting site.it still is fr me..n most of us wud go pale if it happend to one of their near n dear ones.
i sprang out..went ovr to my dad crying,askin wat had happnd..thinkin in my mind d very wrst fr it.my dad was wid my tauji[uncle]who was a doctor.they assurd me dat ma was ok.it was just dat her blood pressure had risen so much during d nyt dat her nasal blood vessels,givin in to d vry high bp had burst..a kind of a safety valve preventin a much more damaging cndition.she ws bettr nw.nuthin to wry abt.i cud hardly undrstnd a syllable of it.fr me my mumma was unconscious, bleedin profusely..mebbe she wud nevr get alryt again n it was all my fault.i went ovr to my ma..she was sleeping ..foolishly i felt to c if she ws breathin..of course she ws!!i tuchd her hand..her eyes flickrd open n she smild..i cried fr joy.she ws weak n cudnt say nethin.soon she fell asleep again.sitting next to her i began crying..my gulit,remorse,my sorrow all toppling bak to me..stiffling me!i cud c hw nasty i had been to her ovr d past few days..hw mean i had been to her..fyting wid her..refusin to listn to her..!hw i had always took her fr grantd..so sure dat she wud nevr leev me.der wer tyms wen i wud hug her n kiss her n tyms wen fr no reasn at all i wud refuse to talk to her straight..evn shout bak at her if she happnd to b cross wid me!dis ws d nearest i had been evr to losin smone so close.n it scared me to death.d nyt dis happnd..v had all been so happy..laffing crazily at sm lil idiocy of my sistr.a lil bit of introspection provd to me dat it ws me who ws responsible fr mumma's cndition n i cried copiously...as if it ws ne help at all!i remembr prayin fervently to God,askin him to make my ma get well soon..promising him dat i wud nevr b mean to her again,listen to evrythin she sez..be d best daughtr evr!well..ma gt bak to her nrmal self again aftr xcessive bouts of medicines n a small surgery in abt 2 weeks or so.all dis tym i had been an ideal elder daughtr.my promises to god lastd fr smtym aftr...bt gradually i revertd to my old self..n many tyms crossd my limits in my anger.
as tym passd by i grew up...became much bettr...knew how to cntol my sddn bursts of angr.m 20 nw n mumma has becum mre of a frnd to me...i love her..admire her..bt iv nevr really showd it to her..shyin away frm d kisses she mite sddnly want to bestow upon me..evn ansring her bak if she happns to scold me a lil mre than i cn take. its been just once mre wen her high bp causd her nose to bleed fer days on end..dat ws last yr.m mature nw..n i knw its nt so bad as i thot it was,8 yrs bak.as fr d promises...well i hadnt givn dem nuthr thot...dat is nt until last nyt.
last nyt,cmpelled by my near insomniac habbits..n findin nuthin worthwhile to do..i settled down wid a buk issued by my sistr frm her skul library. chicken soup for the soul..a part of d chicken soup series..a well known series, for the teens.well frankly,i ws ashamd having to read such kiddish stuff. i had long since passd d age of indulgin in dese.bt den readin is my passion n i cn read nethin..evn enid blytons at my age if m driven into dem.as a teenager i had nevr evr read ne of chicken soups..a prejudiced mind n a sort of tomboyish attitude always forbade me to indulge in "such" buks wich i thot mainly dealt wid problems faced by a so-calld teenage girl..boyfrnds n fashion n othr teen probs or sm preachy stuff.neway dis buk i read ws a cmplete cntrast to wat i thot it wud b.i had been wrong.d simple shrt stories..probably real incidents dat had happnd to their authors knockd me off my feet.readin d stories..i ws involuntarily drivn into self realization...i ws forced to introspect n luk inside my mind n heart..forced to admit hw small,hw blind i hav always been,all of us hav been.
all of us boast of love..of lovin smone..our parents,brothrs n sistrs,lovers,frnds,neighbours ,relatives...bt do v actually love dem??n if v do,den hav v evr sincerely tried to profess our love to dem..tried to show dem our love thru wrds or actions??fr my part i havnt.i remembr nt a single tym wen i sed "i love u" to my mom or my dad or my frnds or my sister..xcept wen v scribbld out dese wrds on d cards fer d spcl days.i remembr how i prayd dat nyt to god to giv me a last chance so dat i cud tel my mom hw much she meant to me..hw i lovd her..hw imprtant she ws to me.God did.bt i nevr told her.
most of us wud agree dat while in a 5 min chat wid our spcl frnds..our lovers v confess our love to dem a thousand tyms ovr,v dnt evn think of sayin d same to our parents or frnds or siblings or neone else once in 5 yrs!isnt it pure complacency?our taking it fr grantd dat dese ppl wud forevr b wid us. my shortsightedness,until last nyt, nevr allowd me to acknowldge hw unsure..like a bubble,our lives wer.i didnt think dat my conversations wid my loved ones mite be d last ones.situations..ppl ..cnditions mite nevr b d same evr again! i needed to tell dem hw much i lovd dem.hw dependent i had becum on dem fer d smallest of my needs..emotional or material.wat if i nevr get d chance again!many ppl DNT!.god is being kind enuf to me n m lettin go of it all!!i sat thinkin late into d nyt..my apparent,probably unknowing ignorance drivelling deep into my heart..makin me cry at my insensitivity..hw i had denied d warm gestures of so many ppl ovr d yrs.i made a conscious decision to tell my parents n sistr hw much i lovd dem.d mere thot of it liftd a huge load frm my heart.dis morning wen i sed "i love u papa..muma....tobs.i need u all n cnt do widout u"..i cud c tears in their eyes n ws surprisd to c dat i ws cryin too!it ws so wndrful!!d damp rainy morning sddnly became so warm...!!
my love fr my loved ones is certainly much biggr than my ego or shud i say my insensitivity!it shud b so fer evryone.things may seem destined now..bt aftr sm tym destiny mite nt b d same!!n den it wud tear us apart to knw hw hard n foolish v had been!so evry tym i fyt again wid my loved ones..i wud always remind myself dat dis mite turn out to b my last interaction wid him n thus must nt b wasted in bittr wrds..evry sour action or evry disappointing deed by smone i love wud b endured as lovingly as i cud.i wud remembr to nevr let go of evn d smallest chance of xpressing my love to evry one whom i cnt afford to lose..
evn though its mid july..bt fr me ders love in d air...my newfound love...love dat i had forevr stored within me..love dat i need to give out n xpress to ppl.. nt only to a spcl smone..bt also my parnts..my siblings..frnds ..relaties..neighbours...love fr d small poor little boy i c playin on d roadside..fr d lame man beggin..fr d tatter clothd woman on d road who has no means of feedin her little baby.n i need to do it nw.

on a boring afternoon

Life has nevr been a bed of roses for me...it probably wont evr be.n no mattr how much i crib n cmplain abt it..things happn d way dey hav to.n well..evn tho i hate to admit it..things hav always eventually turnd out to b bettr for me in d long run!!! (tuch wud!!)
so feelin rathr at peace wid my life(tho m far frm bein at peace wid myself!!) wich in itself is quite a miracle...i sit down to blog..d post dis tym bein an xception frm my usual tirade!! :D
a positive approach..a not-so-negative attitude towards things nd people in general is wat u n me n all of us lack!!no..dis isnt nuthr of those "art of living" discourses on life...bt a lil bit of my realisation...my newly gaind conciousness.well,m nt too religious...agnostic mite describe me d best..bt i firmly believe dat if GOD does exist...then he exists in me..in u...in evrything n evryone!!fGod has been widme in evyrthin i've done..or has happnd to me so far!!seriously...i mean lukin bak in life...i dnt really think i hav ne major regrets...regardin my person..or my decisions..or wher iv landed..or wat i'v done!!!n it isnt cuz m too careful in doin nethin dat cums my way...infact m a shade too restless!!!(as my frnds keep talking about!!!*winks*) it really makes me wonder if der is actually sm supernatural power...guiding d earth!!

Going bak in time,reminiscing abt d gud ol' days ..the school days..i've often found myself smiling subtly at those long forgotten..bygone memories.those squabbles over tiffins n d best seats,playing uuch-neech,learning tables,playing harmless pranks on teachers n so on.i remember how tomboyish i was...so utterly devoid of girlish charm n thots!!so carefree n careless..plodding thru as if the enire world beongd to me..wid nt an atom of worry on my head.exams wer an exception ofcourse...wen all d hell seemd to hav broken loose. :D
n now suddenly..or mebbe gradually things hav changed..a major part of it if not entirely ...i've becum much more reservd..tho i still carry my share of craziness n wildness wid me..i care more about d crap things of life wich never seemed to bother me before.i find myself feeling lost even in a crowd..staring ahead busy wid my own thots... thots tumbling bak into my mind wen m nt paying attention!d matters of d heart gain precedence over many other things wich seemed so important once .n i hate myself den!

n its nt only my life wich is so messd up...confused n so indecisive!evryone else's is too.all around me..people or my peers,i shud say have sm common cause to wry abt..sm heartache...some confusion..all of it revolving around sm othr person..or as d case mebbe,more than 1 person!it surprises me to think of d level of importance dat v attribute to some people..bordering on insanity!isnt it so typically hindi film'ish'!!most of our lives..if v care to look into dem n concede too.. are smthing directly out of a bollywood flick!!wich reminds me of my frnd...whose story is oh-so-filmy :D replete wid drama..comedy..a love triangle[A loves B,C loves A,B loves A..or is it d othr way round!! :D] ..some fake action..d only things lacking are d ham sequences n dream songs :D. bt as i introspect honestly..i find mine no bettr...if nt worse!!

its all so crappy..n v still cant let it go..cant yank it out of our head n throw it out!!i am ready to be d girl i used to be..a girl who seldom cried..a girl who hardly cared about d dumb things in life...a girl who never got mad abt d "soppy" stuff..d one girl who never worried about being in love!!

whatever!!

so I've suddenly discovered this craze for blogging...not becoz its supposedly the "in" thing nowadays or sm latest fad..nor becoz everyone seems to be blogging dese days ..n certainly not becoz "ye cool hai yaar" *giggles*..but for the simple reason dat it actually lets me express myself..me n my random thoughts(yeah..as my blog title suggests).its not my disposition to sit idle..though i love it much (i mean lazying around 24x7..sleeping n um mm...sleeping some more) *winks* ..i belong to a more fidgeting...restless species..yearning forever for a change..some activity which requires more of me than just sitting ,ogling at the computer screen..my fingers hovering on the keyboard answering the same dreary questions n asking them back.something wich has become my usual routine nowadays..or becomes so in almost all the breaks that come my way..my brain..something my friends assert,i seldom use,is craving
for something wich would require it to wake up from a deep slumber[m talking of its current state dat is *grins*]

and so here i am filling up this write up with all the crap that is presently bombarding my mind..n yeah i know its really idiotic.but dis is wat i blog for!to vent all my frustration(i know dis is going to elicit grins from a few of my friends!!),to put at rest my mind,to express myself in any way i like without the fear..or should i say concern of being criticized or scrutinized under the microscope,n most importantly to put an end to my usual tirade about my boring life..about having nothing to do wich had truly driven my friends crazy *sighs*. so as one of my friends have pointed out,blogging has at least proved useful in this regard!!

whewwwww.....it feels better now.... :D n i cn see that dis post is heading to be another one of those monotonous write ups..wich is so like my other posts(this is in itself, ironical, considering my aversion to monotony in any form) ..neway i had better stop here now i guess!!